Confession

I was reading from James yesterday, and was once again, convicted of inconsistencies in my life. James 4:17 states: Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it". Brutal!

This means that it might not be a bad thing that you are practicing, but it could be a good thing you are avoiding. It might simply be work that you do not do, because it is hard work! In my life, there are several things that God has called me to do, and I find other important things to do before working on these tasks.

God has called me to write, but I can tell you most of my writing has been for school lately, for an audience of one, my professor. I have been working on regularly practicing the art of "Morning Pages" this is 3 pages of long hand journal writing that helps remove all the cobwebs from my brain in order to write more meaningful words when the time comes. This has helped increase my ability to write efficiently in my academic work, reducing the time to complete assignments.

However, this is not the writing that God has called me to do. It is enough that I can call myself a writer, and hey, I have this blog space and social media pages where I occasionally share some words. I am part of Hope Writers and therefore, I must be a writer! These are simply excuses to avoid the hard truth, I am not writing what I am suppose to be writing.

If James is to be believed, this means I am sinning. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." This also means that my prayers are hindered by this act of disobedience and it is only in confession that my prayers can be even more impactful. Wow!

So here is the confession, I am not being obedient to what God has called me to do because I am paralyzed by fear of rejection by man. While I am fully aware in my mind that I am writing for the Lord and it does not matter what people say or do, my heart is unprepared for criticism and rejection. These are bullies I have faced from my earliest memories, and not from others, from the very family I was born into. When your own parents reject you and criticize you constantly, it is extremely difficult to willingly chose to endure this very thing again.

But what if this is the journey to healing? Complete healing in this area of my soul that is still wounded. Vulnerability, surrender, and transparency are the way of the Kingdom. It is these elements that God uses to build us up and shape us in accordance with his will. Perhaps it is in tearing down the walls I have built to protect myself that will allow God access to this pain that prevents me from being who I was made to be...

It is the dawn of a new year, a fresh start. I do not desire to make more promises that I will be a more consistent blogger, or state that I will do X amount of hours per week, only to have life hit me in the face with reality. But it does mean that I have to face my demons and overcome the fear. I have to live out the very truth that "If God is for me, who can be against me?" (Romans 8:31), even if it is removing one stone in my path at a time.