Letting Go

It is weird that one day you are your child's entire world and then one day you realize they are basically functioning adults. Today, my oldest will embark on an adventure that I have only been a consultant on. I paid for nothing, I won't even drive him to the airport. He is independent and capable, the very goal that I have worked his entire life towards, has come to pass.

Raising teenagers is pretty cool. They have opinions and thoughts. They almost always complete their own sentences. They know how to cook dinner, do dishes, and clean a house. They work independently on tasks and regularly follow directions. They wake up to their own alarm clocks and do not have to be reminded to bathe. I have not done any kid laundry in years!

Not very long ago, none of those things were true. I regularly did 6 loads of laundry a day. I made 3 meals and a snack from scratch, daily- which really meant that I spent my life in the kitchen doing dishes. I swept and moped all my floors every single night after picking up all the toys. I was on the run from the time my son woke up until the time he went to sleep. Free time was the 30 minutes of suspicious silence during "quiet" time while nursing a baby.

By 30, I had 4 kids in my arms, and 2 in heaven. I hadn't gotten a full nights sleep in a decade. Physically, I had been pregnant or nursing for the entire time. I remember on my birthday I got a root canal and it was the longest I had gotten to lay down in the middle of the day, ever. It was a very different season of life. I could hardly think about others because my life was so very full. With a 9, 6, 4, and 1 year old in tow, everyday seemed like if I let go of control for a second, our life would spin into chaos.

I am rapidly headed towards my 40th birthday. Which means those little humans I dedicated my life to keeping alive are now 19, 16, 14, and 11. They really don't need me in the same capacity. I could never have imagined how different 10 years would be in my mothering journey. People told me that it would change and I would miss those little years, and warned me teenagers are so difficult. While I really enjoy the time I get to spend with my friends little babies, toddlers, and preschoolers- I don't want to be back in that season. My kids are really cool and I like spending time with them.

Maybe I am just lucky. Of course, theologically I don't believe in luck. I believe that you reap what you sow and that I ask God for His favor to fill in all the gaps. My husband and I agreed before we got married that he would work outside of the home and I would work inside of it raising our family. We planned for me to go back to school and begin my career now, at 40. As we all know, we can plan but it is God who makes things happen. Which means, I am 5 years ahead of schedule- just my Ph.D left.

As I come out of the fog of 15 years of full time mom life and another 5 years of juggling mom life with full-time student life... I can hardly believe I am still standing, let along thriving in a new season. I am resting when I get the chance. Mostly, I see that God is expanding my circle of influence. For many years, it was limited to the 5 people I lived with and my small role helping with ministries at church. Talking to people besides my husband and best friend used to be a huge deal, and now its my everyday life. And letting my children out of my sight was beyond my comfort zone and today, I am letting go more each day.