Lonely, but not Alone

Feeling lonely is a common human experience. I have felt lonely for most of my life. I grew up in a household that did not understand me. People who have tried to destroy me for decades with word and deed. I was never allowed to form the deep and lasting relationships with friends because I had to hide most of my home life to maintain an image that needed to be portrayed. 

To say my childhood was dysfunctional feels like an understatement. I know I had a life that many people dream of having, but the dark secrets have an undertow that can slowly erode all since of well-being. Fear was the ruler of our home and control and manipulation was its language. 

I found Jesus very early in my life. I was sent to Christian school, not out of a parental conviction, but out of a prestige and social standing. To this day, I do not know if my family has a true relationship with Jesus. I was all in for Jesus and often ridiculed at home for my radicalness. I loved the Bible and I read it all the time. I prayed and I heard from God. 

When I was about 12 years old, I was praying about my future and felt a call to study human behavior in the scientific realm, i.e.. psychology. This was met with extreme opposition and disgust. I was constantly put down for my ideas, and told that all "brain doctors" were quacks. I think this had to do with their personal fear of the deep veins of dysfunction being uncovered. 

When I was 16 years old, I heard from God most clearly. I was in a church service, our church has a balcony and I was laying flat on my face crying out to God. He told me that my husband was in the room and that together we would be partners in ministry. I said, "Awesome, but I have one request. I do not want to date. I am an all or nothing person and I do not want heartbreak. When you think I am ready, bring the right man in my life and that will be it." 

Our paths did not cross for another year. We slowly began hanging out together at youth events. I was friends with his parents, and went to school with his brothers. Our friendship was sweet and innocent, and it was not until his mother accused us of being on a date that I even realized that I actually would like to date Ben, my now husband. It took another 12 weeks from this point for us to even share our first kiss. 

We had begun ministry together, even before we had started dating. I was a youth leader (a youth student that showed leadership abilities and part of a team) and was asked to start teaching Sunday school on Sunday mornings. Ben's mom was the children's director and paired me up with Ben to teach 3rd and 4th grade. We did this every other month until we began our next ministry adventure.

Almost immediately after we started dating, we began talking about hopes and dreams. Marriage and children. Education and careers. We talked for hours and hours over the phone because we were both working and going to school full time and lived in different cities. We saw each other only at church for most of the 2.5 years we dated. The day he asked me to marry him, he gave me a key ring. We had been dating 3 months and already knew that we would be together forever. He shared a story about how he was sorry that he had been married before. I was shocked, until he told me it was a playground wedding. Apparently at recess, they were all playing together and he got married to a girl and the only ring the kids had was a key ring, so that is why he was giving it to me now. He followed it with a diamond, twice! 

Our next ministry adventure began about a year before we were married. We began having weekly meetings with our mentors and planning a new church. We were going to be part of a church planting project to Maui, Hawaii and would move a few weeks after we got married. Ben had all the technical skills that we would need, and I would provide the backbone of our worship and children ministries. I had been on worship teams for most of my life and had a deep seated desire to see children come to Christ. Ben worked on sound boards, media teams, and had a degree in Information Technology. 

We had taken spiritual gift inventories and together we form an excellent team. I have the gifts of prophecy, teaching, and administration/leadership. Ben has the gifts of helping, edification, and faith. Combined these are indeed a great balance that we have seen flourish in the 21 years since we were married. 

Our church planting season was short in the grand scheme of things, but we learned a lot. Mostly, how to work together. Nowadays, our ministry looks very different. I have gone into counseling and teaching ministries as my profession, and Ben has remained a constant in serving the body of Christ behind the scenes in sound, tech, and media. 

Together, we have had many lonely days. Spent years praying and believing change would come and that we would no longer have to endure the hardships others imposed on us. In those darkest of days, God revealed to us Himself. When there was no one else who could understand our pain, He was there. If you are in a lonely place today, seek the Lord. He is the God of all comfort and He will show up wherever he is invited. Invite him into your personal hell, and receive His love, peace, and presence.