Not as expected

Sometimes you end up between a rock and a hard place, hanging over a 1,000 foot drop. Most days, this is where you will find me.

When I gave my heart to Christ at the tender age of 6, I had no idea what picking up my cross daily to follow him would be like. If I did, I thought it would be easy and carefree, because his yoke is easy and the burden is light, right? I didn't expect the financial hardships, because my God owns the cattle on a thousand hills! I didn't expect so much death and destruction because we have life and life to the fullest through Christ.

It's just I was expecting God to run things by me, every now and then. That we would dialogue and come to some good solutions on how to get me to grow more like Christ. Instead, it has been far different than what I was expecting. I didn't get a say in what got pruned out of my life or what fiery furnace I would have to hang out in.

I have come to be thankful for the removing of many things because they were toxic, no longer useful, or just preventing me from producing a rich and bountiful harvest. Without these hindrances, I have a better marriage, I am better mom and a better friend.

I am even living out my childhood dream of becoming a psychologist. This means I study human behavior, it is literally my full time job. I spend hours researching topics like False Memory Syndrome and Cognitive Dissonance. Part of this is driven by the fact that life is simply not what I expected it to be. People are not always who you thought they were, and often what you needed them to be. I love that at my school I will also get a minor in theology. I balance the truth of the Word with scientific research and my friends, this is an unstoppable defense against all the lies the enemy tries to bring into your path.

Certain things in my life I will never understand, but I have come to grow in my understanding of who God is, and he doesn't answer to me. He does answer me when I call, but he is the authority on my life, not me. When you get to that place where you discover that God knows more about you, than you know about you, that is the place where real growth will begin to take place. It is still hard when life turns out different than expected, and I still will rant and rave. But at the end of the day, I am grateful I am not in control. I am just in charge of how I conduct myself. I do not have to give an account or an explanation for the wrongs done to me because I am not responsible for other peoples actions.

I know better now, and when you know better, you do better. My life will always be in progress because I will never stop growing. I will always be in a process of being refined and renewed into the image of Christ until I meet him face to face. This is the hope I have, that the God who started a good work in me, will be faithful to complete it. It won't be as expected, but it will be good.