Overthinking

It is a fairly late hour, I am exhausted from hours upon hours of work leading up to this point. It is time for me to write one of the most important papers in light of my future career and I am stuck. I am once again overthinking.

Why do I do this?

I would not say that I lack confidence in my abilities, because time and time again I am able to succeed academically. I think it has more to do with my desire to do the best I can, which if I give the best of me to this area of my life, there is not enough leftover. I cannot be the best student and the best mom and the best wife. Those two things are just incompatible, and I refuse to lose my title with my kids or my husband.

I learned a long time ago in our homeschooling journey that sometimes things just have to be ok. Sometimes I am just ok with meal planning, workout regimens, lesson planning, and being a friend. More often than not, I drop the ball somewhere. It doesn't mean that I like it or wish that it didn't happen, but I have had to come to accept that I have limitations.

I think part of why I am a good theologian and psychologist is my very ability to overthink. I can see a situation from nearly every angle and nuance and recall information from previous reading and research that can be applied to the current circumstance. The problem comes when I begin to let the voices of doubt and discouragement take over. This is why my manuscript has sat for years waiting to be finished and why this is yet another attempt to reclaim my blog in order to share my story, or at least write it.

See, that is really the first step for me. Writing is how I express myself best, and for me to step into this next part of my journey, it will be a process. Our family is on the edge of a breakthrough, on the very cusp of a miracle, and in order for me to participate to the best of my ability, I have to stop overthinking and just let the words flow. My word for 2020 has been persevere and tonight that means that I need to stop overthinking and just write. It is in the telling of the truth that we will be set free.