Waves

Spring is here this week, and with it comes the second child of mine turning into an adult. It is an exciting thing and we are looking forward to a few days of celebration. This is always a bittersweet birthday celebration for me, as this beautiful girl of mine had a twin sister that did not make it to her birth-day. The loss of a child, no matter the stage of life, changes a person forever. 

While I can't go back and change anything about the past, I do take a few moments to look back and learn from history. I take the good lessons with me and move forward in my race. One of these lessons has been to not allow depression a stronghold.

Often I have gotten stuck in ruminating thoughts. This is highly unproductive and often just leads to the waters of depression that take us out far deeper then we can navigate on our own. It is a hard habit to break and must be replaced with a different behavior.

This is the basic premise for congntive behavioral therapy. You take a negative pattern and replace it with a more positive one. In the case of these depressing thoughts regarding this deep loss, I begin to express gratitude for the many gifts that I have been given. The gift of my husband and four living children, the gift of the scriptures where I can find peace beyond understanding, the knowledge that God's ways are not my ways, and he has a perfect plan for my life that will always give me a future and a hope. In a matter of seconds, I can derail the depression train and once again focus on the goodness of God that I will get the privilege of seeing in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13).

This is very different then allowing the depression to take over. Allowing those thoughts to continue, undermines the hope that I have in Christ Jesus, and the faith I have that he is working all things out for my good. I feel so strongly about this I am refusing to type out how these internal conversations typically go, in favor of focusing on the goal ahead of me.

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind that this loss is over 18 years old. I have wept, I have struggled in my faith, and I have wavered in my belief that God is good. This process has taken a long time to reach the point where I can have conversations with others and be able to share the hope that I have that I will see my children again. I still can get derailed and the enemy loves to touch a bruise. I am not fully healed.

One of the biggest leaps forward in my healing journey is letting go of my need to know why and my "right" to my own understanding. The book of Job is extremely helpful in this regard. I have written out the last several chapters as a letter from God directly to me (just type in your own name whenever there is a question) and I don't measure up. I wasn't there at the beginning, I don't know about the ins and outs of all the mysteries of the universe, and frankly-it's above my pay grade.

Accepting I don't need the answers has been the biggest key in being able to move through difficult seasons where "why" becomes the biggest question. I have come to a place where the "why" doesn't matter anymore. In fact, my own understanding of the matter is unproductive as well. I don't need to interprete anything, except the promises of God. If He said it, then it will happen and I don't need to worry about it.

I often will take things to the worst case scenario. When you face that fear head on and your accept that the worst thing in this life is death and loss, heaven is right there at the finish line. This is honestly how I can say at the end of the chaos and heartbreak that has been my story, I can agree with Paul and say "For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain" (Philippians 1:21). As long as God sees fit to keep me here on this planet, my goal and purpose is to live for Him until I get to meet Him face to face. Everything else is secondary, including grief.